Shock. Gasp. I know, MilSpouses never have those. Ok, so those who aren't MilSpouses assume that we don't because we are expected to be brave ALL THE TIME and keep our break down moments to ourselves. Here is mine. So, my Hubby is gone. Off to an undisclosed location for an undisclosed amount of time and I'm really not doing well. Of course I'll put on the tough face for everybody, but I have to tell somebody (even if its those of you I don't know) that I'm not all that tough.
You know when 'shit hits the fan' its usually alot and not alittle. Well, that would be the case for me right now. Between having just had a D&C and still struggling to recover & therefore take it easy or as easy as one can with two toddlers & a newborn, and some pretty hefty debilitating migraines I've been feeling alittle under the weather. Then just before my Hubby left we ran into some financial issues that were unexpected and now I'm like doubly stressed.
I know I can handle all this, I mean I've done the deployment before and several ATs, including the one that I delivered my daughter sans my Hubby (in true Military fashion), but honestly to me each one of these Military events is its own stress and a new time to struggle to be the 'tough' Army wife that seems expected of me. (Which by the way I hate the stereotype! Just saying) With all of this going on and him leaving I feel this sudden overload of stress and responsibility, and honestly I crashed. I shut myself in our bathroom, sat in the tub with the curtain closed and bawled my eyes out. (I am not ashamed to admit it) I needed to vent everything I'd pent up for who knows how long.
I feel inadequate to take care of everything. That includes my three kids. Sometimes I hate that I am responsible for so much even when my Hubby is here, but that's how things work. Yet I feel so overwhelmed and I feel so lost. Another problem that is weighing on me is that I feel lost without friends. I've been trying to set up a Girl's day while my Hubby's gone, but I really don't have friends and certainly no one who wants to come spend time with me. With my health being as it is and now the money issues its better I stay close to home, but of course no one wants to come 'way out' to where I live. It's been a really touchy subject for awhile and I don't know what to do. I can came across as a very confident individual, but really I'm just a really good actress. A Really good actress.
Sometimes I need to be just a woman. A woman like any other. Who cries when she's sad. Who yells when she's angry or feels like she's been misjudged or mistreated. Who's happy about the simple joys of life. Sometimes I just need to be Human. So, here's my moment. Ok, I'm done. I can be this superhuman that people think I am. ;)
Am I alone in what I'm feeling? I don't know, maybe I am. Honestly, I guess I write this pretending that people read this, that I'm actually an entertaining writing, but I think I just need a place to write words and feelings. It is nice to hear that I Matter to someone, even if I don't know them. Ok, I feel a lot more calm. I hope I haven't bored you to tears and if I have just skip this post, I'll have a fun one later today with pics of my cute kids. This was just something that needed to be written.
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