In a world with a 4 year old, a 3 year old, a 16 month old, a 3 month old and two soldiers you never know what misadventures await. Life is always springing the unexpected and I want to share them with you. Welcome to my world.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

The Hardest Part Is Letting Go

I know its been awhile since I've posted anything really new, more catching up than anything else. The last few months have been some of the hardest for me and I know no excuse is really good enough, but here is mine.
This beautiful and amazing lady is my Grandma, my Mom's mom and on April 11, 2012 she left us unexpectedly five days after my son was born. It really was unexpected and the lose has been devastating.

My Dad called me about 9PM on the 11th and told me that they were up at the hospital with my Grandma. The Dr wasn't allowing anyone in and so there wasn't really much to tell at the time. So I told him to call me when they did know something no matter how late. About an hour or so later, he called me again and of course the first thing I asked was, "So what did they find out?" The next words were not what I was expecting to hear. "Grandma died." My world came crashing down around me. I kept saying no, no she can't be. My Dad got me to hand over the phone to my Husband and he gave what details he could to him, since I was a wreck. I didn't find out all the details until later and I won't go into all of them for you, as it is very painful for me to talk about. She died of a massive heart attack and they were unable to resuscitate her after over an hour of trying.

It truly shook me to my very core. That night was the last time I cried about it for over a month following her death. I haven't told anyone this, but I felt total and complete guilt that I couldn't share with anyone. My Grandma has become more housebound over the last few years and although we only live about 2 hours away, we rarely went to visit her. There was always some reason we couldn't or rather wouldn't. You know too  much gas, not enough time, we're too busy, etc. A world full of excuses that really aren't good enough, especially to keep you away from your family. I almost hate myself for allowing these petty reasons to have kept me from visiting her.

Since I'd had Fallon the weekend before, we actually got to see her twice. My Mom brought her to come meet her newest great grand son. I can't tell you how much I loved seeing her hold him and talk to him. Telling me who she thought he looked like and how cute he was. My older kids usually have a harder time giving her hugs and stuff because we don't visit very often. So it almost always requires lots of coaxing to get them to do it. But when it came time for her to leave my kids ran over to give her hugs and kisses. It took no coaxing at all and Rhiannon willing went to her to be held. I believe that my kids knew something the rest of us didn't.

She got to come back and visit the next evening when my Aunt & Uncle came to visit after the big family Easter egg hunt. Again to see her hold Fallon just warmed my heart, but I had no idea what was coming. No idea that her visit that day was the last time I'd see her alive. The thing that kills me about that last visit, was that I didn't get out of my hospital bed to hug her goodbye or even tell her how much I loved her. How could I have been so thoughtless? And now its too late. There is no way to turn back time and change that moment. Its going to haunt me for the rest of my life.  In one moment my beloved Grandma was gone.

Unfortunately with the distance that I live from where my family lives, I couldn't help my Mom & Aunt as they made funeral arrangements or began straightening her house in order to find important documents. The funeral was held on Saturday, April 21st and she was buried in South Jordan, Utah next to her parents. In a few months her beautiful blue marble headstone brought in from Australia will be put up and we're actually having a headstone placement party. Kind of silly, but a good reason to get everyone together.

It took me over a month before I allowed myself to break down again and mourn my loss. It continues to weigh heavy on my heart and I'm sure in a matter of time it will be easier to bear. Although it was very sad, some beautiful miraculous things have happened because of her death. After I found out she'd past away, I began to stress about how I was going to tell Aidan (4) and Aislynn (3) that she had died, especially since we'd seen her just days before. I didn't know how to tell them and have them understand. I just didn't know. The night after she died, I went to an activity with some women in my LDS Ward in order to have something else to focus on for awhile. While I was gone Aidan and Aislynn walked up to my Husband and told him, "Great Grandma Welsh died. She's in the forest." He naturally assumed that I had told them. Two days later, I was saying that I still didn't know how to tell them and he gave me a funny look, "Didn't you already tell them?" I shook my head and he proceeded to tell me the story.

I feel very strongly that she came to see my kids and tell them for me, so I didn't have to worry about it. I recently asked both of them how they found out. I was told that Great Grandma and Grandpa (now what grandpa I'm not sure, but it could be an older gentleman that would be 'Grandpa' in title) told them. Aislynn said that Grandma told her to go to sleep and that Aidan was already sleeping. She said she was wearing red, blue, orange, green, pink, colors of the rainbow. I guess I'll never be 100% certain of who came to them, but I believe that someone came to relieve me of that burden.

Others in my family have had various experiences since her death, that conveyed messages that she was alright and that her trials are over. Beautiful and comforting things. I was sort of upset that everyone but me had been given that kind of comfort. So about two weeks ago, I dreamed of her and my Great Grandma. There was something so very real about what I saw, that I have no doubt that it was my message. I was at a house, one I had never seen before and both Grandmas were carrying in groceries from the car to get ready to cook dinner. They were both old in appearance, so in a way that I would recognize them, but both had a spring in their step that hadn't been there for a long time in life. Neither one was hunched over or using a cane. There was just this peace about them. My Mom asked me if they had been aware of my presence and they were. They talked to me about eating dinner with them. I know that they didn't come right out and say we're OK or anything, but it was the subtlety of the message that I feel was the point. I was being given a glimpse into heaven and that they both were together, Mother & Daughter and were very happy.

I hope you don't all think I'm crazy. This has been a very personal experience, but I feel strongly the need to share. I'm so grateful to have known my Grandma and for the blessings she has brought into my life. I will miss her greatly, but I know I'll see her again someday.


Clara Delilah Eggett Welsh

January 20, 1940  ~  April 11, 2012

Our beloved mother, grandmother, great grandmother, sister, aunt, cousin, teacher and friend passed away unexpectedly on April 11, 2012, at the age of 72. Born January 20, 1940 in Murray, Utah to Hyrum Thomas and Wanda Kidd Eggett. She was the first in a family of 11 children. She attended Bountiful High School, graduated in 1958, and graduated from Weber State College in 1968. She married John Vincent Welsh on September 8, 1962, and together they had two daughters. They were later divorced.
She was an elementary school teacher for 33 years in the Davis County School District teaching second grade at South Bountiful Elementary for five years, and third grade at Tolman Elementary for 28 years. She taught over 900 students, many of whom were children of her former students. She was active in the LDS Church and was a member of the Bountiful 26th Ward where she held numerous callings. She had a very strong testimony of her Savior and was always willing to share her thoughts and stories with anyone who was in need.
She was fun loving, full of life and cared more for others than herself. She was a loving mother of two daughters and her family was her whole world. She was passionate about the importance of having close family ties and was surrounded by a very caring extended family from all sides. She will always be missed and never forgotten. All of us that were blessed to have had her in our lives are better people for having known her. Life here on earth is not forever, Love Is.
She is survived by her daughters, Ginger (Mike) Johnson, Tamara (Mark) Lee; 8 grandchildren; 5 great grandchildren; 4 brothers, 5 sisters; plus nieces and nephews. Preceded in death by her parents, one brother, a son-in-law, a granddaughter and two nephews.

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