I'm sure you all remember that sad poem I wrote back at the beginning of June, I Might... Well, I finally feel like I can talk about what was going on that day. We miscarried that day and I'll be honest I was devastated. It was so early they couldn't even get a positive pregnancy test, but sad that it was the kind where the egg can't attach to the uterine wall. I hurt physically and emotionally. I wasn't feeling comfortable sharing with anyone what I was going through, so I vented through the poem. Apparently, we're having a bit of bad luck because I spent time in the ER on Friday due to some bleeding, horrific cramps and a sharp pain over my left ovary following two very faint pregnancy tests. Unfortunately, when they went to get my HCG count, they found that there was no longer any in my system, meaning we'd miscarried around the time I got my positive tests. I guess it was a relief to know it wasn't an eptopic pregnancy, but they did find I'd had a cyst on my left ovary that had burst that afternoon (the cause of the sharp pain) and I have one on my right ovary, just waiting to burst.
So once again I'm no longer pregnant and I feel so devastated. Now that the pain (physically) is starting to subside, I'm finding I'm struggling emotionally. Two miscarriages within two months of each other is a blow to anyone I'd imagine, but we have such a hard time getting pregnant and I know my time for having my own kids is running out, it worries me that maybe it won't happen. We know that we are missing someone in our family and so, I feel almost desperate to get them here before the window of opportunity is gone.
We had to pick up some prescriptions following my ER visit and the moment I saw the pregnancy tests on the aisle by the heating pads, I burst into tears. I was so excited when I saw those lines, as faint as they were. I knew it meant I was pregnant, but my sweet husband wanted to be more sure wait for a darker line. We wouldn't have told anyone until after the first trimester, I felt we needed to wait that long. Obviously for a reason. I feel so empty. I hate that. So here is my bad tidings & some heartache. Hopefully we'll be able to talk about good tidings soon. Keep me in your prayers! I'm going to need it!
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