Surgery. I know that's a word I've used a lot on here this year and I'm sure you're just as tired hearing it, as I am. Unfortunately I'm not as healthy as I would like and at 27 years old, I feel far older then I should. I have hopes that my year of surgeries has done more then just make my family exponentially poorer, that perhaps, perhaps its actually making progress to making me healthier. There is nothing more upsetting and frustrating then being reasonably young and being sick enough that I cannot enjoy my amazing little family. We went through hell and back again to get each of our beautiful kids here, and I feel I'm missing out on everything.
I feel like a horrible Mom, and although everyone tells me its not my fault, I feel somehow it is. That some how I have failed my kids by not being healthy and feeling up to being involved with everything. I haven't had the energy to take them to the park (which is now conveniently down the street from us), no energy to play on the floor, and really if I have no energy for those, then where do I muster up the energy to even get out of bed? If someone has the answer to that one, I am all ears. Aside from being a Chronic Migraine sufferer, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis when I was 12 and was officially verified when I was 21. Both of which have brought their own set of challenges. While the migraines I can only hope to cut back just how frequent they are and how bad they are by taking daily preventative medicines & pain meds for onset. With Endo, the only sure fire way of being rid of the troubles that come with it are to have a hysterectomy, which for those of you who have been following me for a while know I had six weeks following Fallon's birth. Though it was only a partial (my Dr left both of my ovaries) so that I wouldn't have to go into Menopause at 27 and worry about all the issues that come from that.
It seems however that my body had other plans and in September (4 months following my hysterectomy) we discovered a 5CM cyst on my right ovary. My Dr surmised that all the cramping and pain in my abdomen since my surgery were the results of my body freaking out more or less & causing multiple cysts to form and burst. The best option was to go in and remove the 'Problem Child' ovary, and hopefully be able to move on with life. During that procedure, not only did they definitely decide to remove my ovary since it had all but twisted in on itself, but that I had 3 hernias. Two of which I'd probably had for a very long time and were smaller and the third was an incisional hernia caused by pregnancy & multiple abdominal surgeries. Eventually they would need to be taken care of, but I wasn't in too much of a hurry. Although my regular Dr felt otherwise when I began complaining of abdominal pain a few weeks later.
So off I went to see a general surgeon, who agreed that two of the three needed to be repaired and the sooner, the better. I'm thinking all this time that things are getting expensive, but at this point we should have met my out-of-pocket for the year. I scheduled what I hoped was my final surgery for the year (for a very long time, if ever) for the 30th of November. This was the best date for us since it fell on a weekend that my husband could arrange to be home all weekend and didn't have to worry about work til the Tuesday following. We made arrangements with our Reserve Unit, since it fell on Drill weekend, to make it up later in December and made arrangements with my parents to take the kids for the weekend.
Everything worked out well and the soon surgery day was upon us. There had only been one catch: we hadn't hit out of pocket and since we had some outstanding bills with the hospital (even though we were making payments), they required either the outstanding amounts paid in full or what my responsibility for this procedure to be paid in full. Luckily, I was able to have access to some of my inheritance money from my Grandma's passing to cover what I needed to do my procedure. It was really hard to ask for help and know that instead of going to something fun, it was going to surgery. I really did need the surgery.
The day of my surgery arrived. I went in just like I had for so many other surgeries and aside from some butterflies in my stomach, things were going great. I was taken back into the OR and I was asleep before I knew it. When I woke up however, was when I began to discover that things had not gone as planned. When my Dr had gone in with the camera to decide where was best to place the laproscopic insicions, he discovered that my one remaining ovary had such a large cyst on it that it had completely displaced it and the area around it was full of blood clots. Essentially it was a mess. He immediately got on the phone, called my OBGYN up and told him he needed him to come in right away. After the two Dr's discussed the options, they consulted with my Hubby over the phone and all agreed that it was best to remove my ovary. They could drain the cyst and remove the clots, but my OBGYN felt that the cyst would start growing back right away and that within three months I'd be in worse shape then I was already in.
I awoke to a great deal of pain, a huge incision that goes up the middle of my belly and no ovaries. I guess it could have been worse, I could have had massive bleeding or even died, but its been hard to process because nothing went as planned. I'm partially glad that I don't have to worry about cysts anymore or my Endo growing back, but I do get to deal with all the Menopause stuff and the hot flashes started yesterday (boy do they suck!). My recovery is going to be a lot longer, but its nothing I can't handle. Its kind of one day at a time. I want to feel better. I want to be a good mom and play with my kids. I just have to work up to that. I have to get better in order to do all that. I hope my kids will forgive me for being the broken Mommy and that soon I can show them I can be the fun Mommy.
I'm going to try, once again, to spend more time blogging. I have loads of down time for the next 8 weeks at least, I really don't have the excuse to not blog. I love blogging, but maybe this is being too picky, I miss hearing from people. I kind of feel like I'm writing to myself, which isn't a bad thing. I get jealous of other blogs, where each post has 30 responses. I wonder if I'm boring. Or is it just I don't blog consistently enough to keep people interested. I guess I'll never know, but if I keep trying maybe more people will come.
The Trouble With Scribbles
18 hours ago