Where One Door Closes, Another One Opens

Well I've put this post off long enough. For lots of reasons, but the biggest one is boy have I been busy! We just moved to a bigger place and although its only a matter of blocks from our previous place, it took way too much time and effort to do. I DO NOT plan on moving again for awhile and when we do I hope that its into our own place. Anyway and the other reason I have put this one off, is because its kind of painful (emotionally.) I wasn't quite as prepared for everything as I thought.

Back in May I had a hysterectomy. Yup, I'm 27 and can no longer have kids. (At the time I was still 26) Now this was something Christopher and I have been discussing & debating about for years. We'd actually originally planned to have it done after Aislynn was born. But let me back track a bit. I'm not sure how many of you know, but I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Endometriosis back when I was like 13 years old. It wasn't completely official until I was 18, but my Dr was as positive as one can be without being able to visually see the endo, which can only be done through surgery. I have suffered from the most horrific periods since I first started having them. I some how managed through the first few, which were irregular and came randomly. But within the first year it became apparent that for at least the first three days or so that I couldn't even function I was in so much pain. I missed quite a bit of school thanks to it.

We tried the birth control bit, but it only slightly alleviated the pain. And it couldn't all be chalked up to cysts either, although I had quite a few of those over the years. I was told at 18 that my chances of having kids were slim to none. After three miscarriages, I finally broke down and had a laproscopic surgery to officially diagnose the endo and to cut and cauterize the endo, which would temporarily put me back at step 1. But with time the unwanted tissue would grow back. I had this done two or three months before my Hubby came home from his deployment. And miracle of miracles I got pregnant a few months after that. Pregnancy for all that we were excited for it, turned out to be far from the cake walk pregnancy that all women dream of. (Cause no one wants to be pregnant and miserable, especially when you can't be treated in the same way as when you're not pregnant)

Its was awful, but we wanted another baby and we thought 'First pregnancy was bad, so the next ones are going to be much easier.' But not really. Although Aislynn's pregnancy was easier in some ways, it ended in a preterm, emergency c-section and a cute baby with lung problems. During my pregnancy with Aislynn we seriously discussed having a hysterectomy following her delivery. I wasn't sure I could handle anymore pregnancies and we were both ok with adopting, but we felt strongly following a visit to an LDS temple that we needed to wait because we had two more that needed to get here.

Ok, I thought these will get easier and once again I was wrong. Rhiannon's and Fallon's pregnancy while having different problems were so rough. I endured bedrest, extreme morning sickness, a feeding tube, IV therapy and so much more. I was miserable and thought that each pregnancy was going to kill me. I survived obviously, but we decided after finding out we were pregnant with Fallon that this was it. We talked about adopting down the road when our kids were bigger and more helpful (and its still a plan for us), but we decided my body couldn't handle another pregnancy. So 6 weeks following Fallon's c-section I went in for my big surgery.

The plan was to keep my ovaries as long as they looked healthy and only do a partial hysterectomy. My Dr said I was too young to have to go through menopause this early, but if my ovaries continued to cause problems since its the female hormones that cause endo to grow and can continue to make it grow even without a uterus (especially since my endo has been located on my bladder, outside my uterus and my abdominal cavity walls to name a few places. He'd also remove any cysts, etc. He'd pretty much do a clean up in there. I was nervous but resolute on doing the procedure and it would require at least three days recovery in the hospital. I ended up being in the hospital for five days and needing a two liters of blood.

Yup, I got to have a blood transfusion, but it sure made me feel better. I lost 600 ML of blood during my surgery and so it actually affected my body's recovery. I had opted for a spinal block before they put me under, it was supposed to give me longer pain relief following the surgery, but when I started to wake up in the first recovery room I was practically screaming in agony. I could move my toes already and there was no relief to the pain. Prior to the surgery we had discussed that I would be set up with a morphine pump to help ease the pain since he found that this was a much more painful procedure. But because I had received the spinal I couldn't be set up with one until after midnight, so like 12 hours since the spinal. The IV pain meds did little to help and it wasn't until I was hooked up that I found any relief. (I won't lie it was awful, kind of makes you wish you'd skipped the procedure)

I had to be on oxygen for four of the five days since every time I tried to sleep my oxygen levels dropped drastically. And I was pretty tachycardic for the first couple of days, I normally run 100/60, but I was hitting 160/90. It was kind of scary and I called my father in law to make arrangements for a Priesthood blessing. He wasn't in town at the time, but he and my mother in law made arrangements with some Priesthood holders in their LDS Ward to come and give me the blessing I needed. I'd had one shortly after getting to my room the night after my surgery. They'd called and asked for any available Priesthood holders and two men, whom I had never met gave me a blessing. Now before the blessing I was sobbing and unable to be quiet, I was able to be quiet long enough for the blessing and then was in complete misery after it, but I think the blessing helped eventually. No instant healing or anything. I got a second blessing the next day and I was terrified to sleep, afraid if I did I'd not wake up. (I haven't actually admitted that out loud) All I could think of was my Grandma having died and that I was terrified to die too. I was ready to die, I wanted to see my kids grow up and seeing my BP be so high and my pulse racing at over a hundred and twenty beats a minute, I was absolutely terrified.

Between receiving the blessing and getting the blood transfusion I began to do better. It was kind of nice being in the hospital for a few days. I didn't have to take care of anybody but me. Not that I really got lots of sleeping rest, but I was in bed for five days and only got up when I had to go potty two days into my stay. (Although eventually had to make circuits of the Women's Health and Ped's floor) It was nice to finally get to go home and see my kids & my baby. (They did come visit a few times, which was nice).

It hasn't been until the last few weeks that the reality of having had the procedure has really sunk in (you would of thought the whole incision and recovery would have done that) We've joked on and off about no more birth control, no more worrying about getting pregnant and no more periods. But now that Fallon is getting bigger and is loosing that tiny baby look, its really starting to sink in. There won't be another tiny baby (I mean there might be if we can afford to adopt down the road). But no more tiny new baby sounds and no more attempts at breastfeeding. I know its silly I've been blessed with four miracle babies, but its hard knowing its the end. People around me are starting to be pregnant and it will never be me again. (Selfish I know) I remind myself what my Dr said about my uterus when they removed it. He said it was in such bad shape it was good we had decided to do this when we did. Meaning: I'd have died had I tried to have another baby. So its a sacrifice that was worth making, but its hard and I know when my sisters finally get around to having babies of their own I'll feel the lose again, but I'll still be excited for them. Just sad that I've moved on past that stage in life.

So, that's my story. Its taken awhile to put out there, but there it is. I hope you will all forgive me for my selfish thinking because I know that there are so many who can't have kids of their own at all and I have four. It may seem like it was easy getting pregnant, but it wasn't and I lost a Rhiannon's twin at 15 weeks and had two more miscarriages just before Fallon. I've been pregnant ten times with only 4 live births. Its been the hardest few years of my life getting each one of my miracles here. Now I have to work on moving forward and enjoying the next stage of life. (And I will, just give me some more time to finish adjusting.)